- Your partner has gone on a rare and deserved men's night out.
- You neglected to procure video entertainment for yourself before he left, and now are unable to do so because of the sleeping baby in your care.
- You have (temporarily) exhausted the charms of the internet, and besides, your laptop is making your lap sweat, something you DON'T need in addition to this bloody heatwave. (Speaking of which... hello, weather? Satan called. He's sorry you two fought, but he really wants to patch things up, so you should RETURN TO HELL IMMEDIATELY.)
- And your book (whose name I don't want to give away, but let's just say it rhymes with "Grapes of Math") is a bit of a downer, so you need to take a break.
If you haven't seen Must Love Dogs, here's what you must do to approximate the experience:
Go find a carpenter's level. Place the level on a table. Bolster the table's legs with sugar packets, old handbills, matchbooks, and grains of sand until the level indicates that the table is precisely even. This will help give you an appreciation of the utter flatness of Must Love Dogs. Scientists could calibrate their instruments on this movie.
It's not just that the performances were wooden... or that I was forced to watch John Cusack once again dredge up his wounded "Lloyd Dobler ten/fifteen/twenty years later" schtick... or that even the DOGS weren't convincing in their roles... or that the fabulous Stockard Channing is relegated to a dead-end role in which her secondary character arrives at a moment of semi-crisis, WHICH IS NEVER RESOLVED... or that I'm expected to believe that the original Actor of Wood, Dermot Mulroney, has a freakin' PhD in history... or that the requisite pair of gay friends' only function in the movie is to take Diane Lane out for, I shit you not, a midnight manicure... or that the entire movie is built around the irritating premise that the main characters must pair up as quickly as possible or else they've failed as humans... and for the love of all that's holy, CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?
Or maybe it is those things after all.
Must love dogs. If you like this movie, you'd have to.