"Why did Moby Dick want to wreck the Pequod?"
"Well, maybe it was because the Pequod hunted whales, and he didn't want to be hunted."
"Why did the Pequod hunt whales?"
"Because a long time ago, people used oil from whales for their lights and things."
"Why did they use oil from whales?"
"People hadn't discovered electricity yet. Remember when we talked about how lights use electricity?"
"Why didn't people discover electricity yet?"
"I guess because it just hadn't occurred to them."
"Why?"
"Well, I don't know. What do you think?"
"No, what do YOU think?"
"I'm kind of stumped, actually."
"Why are you stumped, actually?"
And then my head exploded. The end.(This post would not have been possible without this fabulous pop-up edition of Moby-Dick, given to Sam by our good friend Shona. It's making me reconsider my hard-line stance against reading the unexpurgated version.)
"Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope."
"What's that, Sammy?"
"Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope."
"Ah. That's what I thought you said."
"..."
"Princess Leia says that, doesn't she, Sam?"
"Actually, R2-D2 says that."
"Well, yes, technically... I suppose he does."
"Not technically. ACTUALLY."
"How did bedtime go?"
"Fine."
"Did you tell more stories from Star Wars?"
"That's getting kind of old, so I decided to mix it up by using the characters in regular fairy tales."
"So what story did you tell?"
"Jack and the Beanstalk. But I used Luke Skywalker instead of Jack. And he gets the magic beans from Obi Wan Kenobi, when he goes into town to try to sell the family's droid. And then when he climbs up the beanstalk, the Death Star is at the top."
"I... see. How did it go over?"
"He really liked it. But I was really tired, so when I got to the part with the goose that lays the golden egg, I accidentally made it say quack-quack. And then he got really upset and was all, 'Geese don't say quack-quack! Geese say honk-honk!'"
"Well, he has a point."
"Sure, but it kind of seemed like we'd agreed on a fair degree of suspension of disbelief."
"But only if you're being creative. Like, maybe you could have gotten away with it if you'd had the goose go woof-woof or moo-moo, or something like that."
"True. Woof-woof would have been creatively absurd."
"Exactly. Quack-quack is just sloppy."
"I'm not getting the relationship between this couple on TV."
"What do you mean?"
"They're not acting like a couple, and she looks a lot older than he does."
"I think they look about the same age."
"He's pretty well-preserved then."
"Well, you know that men get better looking as they get older, whereas women..."
"Excuse me?"
"Er, and you, of course, being man-like in many regards, are also getting better looking."
"Come again?"
"..."
"..."
"This is where a rocket-pack would come in handy."
"Man, copying all the phone numbers from my old cell to my new one is taking forever."
"Yeah, that's a pain in the ass."
"And I keep finding people I don't remember at all."
"That's what happens when you keep the same phone for nine years."
"Like, I don't think I've ever even met a Nina, and yet there's one right here in my address book."
"Probably from your raver days."
"Getting contact deets from all my new best friends."
"Who you never saw again."
"Totally."
"'Hey, everybody! Have you met Nina? She and I are going to get together sometime to make soap!'"
"So you're going to take Sam to the park and come back in about half an hour, when dinner's ready?"
"Thatsay the planway."
"What?"
"Uh, atsay the planskay?"
"..."
"..."
"You have no idea how pig latin works, do you."
"Nofay."
Scene from a toddler's pre-bedtime story ritual:"What's that, Sam?"
"A backhoe."
"That's right. What's that over there?"
"That's an excavator over there."
"And what's that?"
"That's a forklift."
"You're right. And what's that?"
"A compact auger."
"Yes, that is a compact auger."
"And another compact auger, and another compact auger, and another compact auger..."
"There are a lot of compact augers."
"One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, TEN."
"Wow. That is a lot."
"..."
"You know what? I love you, Sammy."
"I love this articulated dump truck."
"Did I just overhear you telling Sam that 'chien' is the French word for 'frog'?"
"Oui!"
"But it's not. It means 'dog'."
"Non!"
"Er, yes."
"..."
"..."
"Je m'appelle poutine!"
"This is funny."
"I like this part... The greater internet fuckwad theory: normal person + anonymity + audience = fuckwad."
"That's me!"
"I think I'm actually NICER online than I am in real life. I'm an internet oddity."
"Thbbbbbbbbt."
"You're just jealous. Which is understandable. I'd be jealous, too, if I were you and you were me."
"Is that really the sort of thing you want to say to someone as fragile as me?"
"Don't you understand that crushing your spirit is all I have?"
"You were up there a while."
"Sam made me read Spot's Birthday Party three times before he'd go to bed."
"It took that long?"
"And he made me sing "Maniac" over and over."
"Do you even know the words to "Maniac"?"
"No."
"Oh."
"Just the chorus."
"She's a maniac, maniac on the dance floor."
"And she's dancing like she's never danced before."
"What are you doing now?"
"I'm looking up the lyrics. If this is going to be a regular occurrence, I need to learn at least a couple of verses."
"Good plan."
"What the...?"
"What?"
"She has danced into the danger zone / When the dancer becomes the dance."
"Ah. Well. That can happen."
"On the ice blue line of insanity / Is a place most never see."
"That's an... interesting... metaphor."
"There's a cold kinetic heat / Struggling, stretching for the peak."
"A cold... heat? That stretches? And also struggles?"
"It can cut you like a knife / If the gift becomes the fire / On the wire between will and what will be."
"And now you've made my head explode."
