Thursday, August 30, 2007

From the "Now I've Seen Everything" Department: Sex Guides for Evangelicals

Erotica for the evangelical set:
Religious-themed sex guides are flying off the shelves - some even give believers permission to enjoy a good romp.

In the years that Intended for Pleasure [a popular Christian sex guide] has been flying off shelves, the publishing industry has discovered the demand for faith-based material that speaks specifically to a purpose-driven sex life.

On The New York Times bestseller list, a book called It's All About Him is currently No. 4 for hardcover non-fiction.

Written by Denise Jackson, wife of country music star Alan Jackson, the book describes how religious faith restored passion and dedication to her marriage.

Lonnie Hull DuPont, director of acquisitions at Revell, which publishes Intended for Pleasure, said the book has sold more than a million copies since its release 30 years ago, and has never gone out of hardcover.

The book is an at-times-surprising combination of faith and fact.

Passages of Bible Scripture and earnestly romantic tributes to married life are scattered between straight-up explanations of the birth-control pill and illustrations labelled "positioning for premature ejaculation training session using squeeze control."

Gracious! I don't know about you, but this is not the kind of article I expect to find when I'm perusing The Globe & Mail's "Family & Relationships" section, but this is what you've got to love about The Globe: it'll always keep you guessing.

My first thought when I saw this article was this: "A purpose-driven sex life?" I know what the purpose of my sex life is. What the heck is a Christian's purpose? Is there a secret purpose I don't know about?

My second thought was a predictable one:
A sex guide for evangelicals? In book form? I would've thought that a pamphlet would do.

My third thought was: How can I cash in on this hot new publishing trend?

And so I bring you my manuscript-in-progress, Ten Commandments-Based Sex Tips for the Faithful, which features some of the following chapters:
  • Introduction: Why Commandments? Isn't That Word Just a Little, You Know, S&M-y?
  • Chapter 2: Remember the Sabbath and Keep It Holy. In Other Words, Try to Wrap Things Up, If You Know What I Mean, Before Midnight on Saturday
  • Chapter 6: Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbour's Wife, Unless Thy Neighbour Also Covets Thy Wife, In Which Case Perhaps You Can Work Something Out
  • Chapter 9: Thou Shalt Honour Thy Father and Thy Mother? Now Why Bring THEM into This? Haven't They Done Enough Already?
Publishers? You know where to find me. Please bring the dump truck full of money with you.


notanillusion said...

Oh, how I heart you for that. :)

Karen Olson said...

This is hysterical, funniest thing I've read all day. Especially the S&M-y part...never thought of it that way :)

Anonymous said...

I loved the "purpose driven sex life" joke.

"The Purpose Driven Life" is considered good reading here in the bible belt and I have to admit I'm amused at this perversion (ha!) of the title.

Anonymous said...

what purpose could there be other than procreation?

Tammy said...

The problem with the phrase "the purpose-driven sex life" is that I then start breaking it down into its purpose-driven constituent elements: purpose-driven foreplay, purpose-driven handjobs, purpose-driven oral sex... etcetera.