Friday, June 08, 2007

ETC: I Learn the Hard Way So You Don't Have To!

I'm in wait mode at work, so I thought I'd whip up a super-fun-bonus weekend post. No, no, no... thank me later.

I've been thinking about wisdom lately, and how one goes about accumulating it. I don't know if I've actually made any progress in this area, but the years have definitely given me a few bits of hard-won practical knowledge. And here, in no apparent order, they are:

1. Don't wear a white bra underneath white or light-coloured tops. Every lady (and some gentlemen) should invest in a couple of beige bras. Unless your skin isn't beige. Then I'm afraid you're on your own. I'm only qualified to give bra advice for beige people.

2. How a person is when they're ten is probably the best indicator of what they're like as an adult. So if you make a new acquaintance and you want to know what they're really like, just sneakily ask them what they were like as a kid. If they tell you they used to rat out their friends or blow up frogs with fireworks, watch out. If they tell you that they built awesome treehouses every summer and taught their cat to dance, get their number!

3. Forget expensive laundry pre-treatments. A splash of ordinary dish detergent on a fresh stain will get most stains out later in the wash. Also, a cup of plain white vinegar added to your wash will do wonders for getting stink out of your laundry.

4. You know that angry email you just composed? Sleep on it. Nine times out of ten, you'll change your mind about sending it in the morning.

5. Regular toothpaste will help bring that huge, painful, beneath-the-skin zit to a head. Important note: You'll need to apply the toothpaste to the zit, not eat it. Also: Don't forget you've done this and then go grocery shopping. Not that this has ever happened to me.

6. Saying whatever is on your mind all the time is neither "being true to yourself" nor is it "just being honest." It's "being an asshole."

7. Everyone should own a pair of rubber boots. You'd be amazed at how much more you can do.

8. When in doubt, keep your fool mouth shut.

9. You can make soup out of pretty much anything.

10. At some point, you have to get over your childhood crap. Or not. But then you have to suck up the fact that you're going to keep being unhappy.

11. Three things that, if you get right, allow you to slack on pretty much every other aspect of your grooming: haircut, watch, and shoes.

12. Be on time. People may say they're cool with it when you're always late, but they secretly resent you. As they should. Who do you think you are?

13. Organic food tastes better.

14. People hate unsolicited advice.

25 comments:

Steph said...

I think maybe you should raise my children.

emc said...

Also good for painful beneath-the-skin zits is ice. The swelling is pushing the toxins down into your pores, so if you can reduce it, you can bring the gross stuff to the surface and get rid of it faster. Plus, it helps with the pain.

Chanie said...

No no no! I love your advice. I'll try the toothpaste one as soon as I can. I have a few under-the-skin zits right now and I hate them. I didn't know what to do. Thank you! I hope it works.

THE BLUEST BUTTERFLY said...

I like the Doppelganger thing. I have the book Doppelganger in a box somewhere. :-)

THE BLUEST BUTTERFLY said...

I think I will try the ice method for zits. I only use organic toothpaste...not because of an organic obsession but because I am not really supposed to expose myself to flouride (thyroid issues). Anyway...I get some annoying zits particularly on my chin. I am told that zits on the chin mean that you are stresse out....I guess I am as life is so chaotic at times.

BabelBabe said...

my favorite bra is eggplant-colored, and it kills me that I can't wear it under everything. but why did i buy a purple bra in the first place? who knows? momentary insanity? it was on clearance? I can't remember.


how DID you get so wise? was it all those readings of The Lorax?

Jagosaurus said...

So true, all of it. The toothpaste thing works beautifully but you really do have to make sure you wash it off before going out in public. Or so I am told.

*cough*

I think white vinegar, lemons, and salt are the most wonderful cleaning products known to mankind.

naida said...

good list, I agree with #4
:)

Lisa Jean said...

Love number 3. When you're in the kitchen and spatter grease on yourself, what could be handier or quicker than putting a little dishsoap on the spot. Works like a charm.

Frédérique said...

#7 - my best friend moved to Kuujjuaq in far-north Québec. Ever since the weather went from winter-boots to rubber-boots, she hasn't worn anything else. She does a lot of things.
(Her goal is to not take her shoes out of her closet until her vacations in a couple week)

Cap'n Ganch said...

But you forgot #15!

"If you find you have to fart in public, and you're pretty sure you can get away with it ... do it! But! If someone does notice it, just fess up.

Jennifer said...

Something no-one wants to talk about but every mother should know (and will probably find out sooner or later):

When it comes to getting nits or lice, the best way to get rid of them is the physical method. Nothing, no shampoos or treatments, work as well as wet hair, a little conditioner or or olive oil, and going through the hair with a nit comb, cleaning it in a bowl of water between each comb, every three to four days. Gets rid of them in two weeks or so and no nit has ever built up a resistance to a fine toothed comb. The shampoos, even if you're okay with the toxic stuff, are not as effective.

heidijane said...

My husband is a teacher and he cringes at all the multicoloured bras that appear under the girls' white school shirts. Although obviously he doesn't say anything in case he's accused of anything dodgy...

Thanks for the great advice!

GingerCat said...

I agree with all except #2. I'm totally different from how I was at ten. Sometimes adolescence, or even adult experience, changes you.

Claudia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Claudia said...

I am too polite to point #6 out to people when they pull that 'just gotta be me' -- or worse the 'you just can't handle my in-your-face truthiness' garbage, but 'ugh'.

Anonymous said...

Oh shit, I KNEW #12 was true. I keep telling myself that maybe people see it as insouciant charm, but no. It's shitty behaviour. Gotta get going on time. But how??

Doppelsis said...

I couldn't help but notice no mention of how polite it is to return emails or phone calls in a timely fashion. You suck Doppelganger and you know you do!

Hazel Stone said...

10. At some point, you have to get over your childhood crap. Or not. But then you have to suck up the fact that you're going to keep being unhappy.

My only caveat to this is that in order to get over it you may have to be one of THOSE people and pay for some therapy. Just sayin'.

Doppelganger said...

Hazel, definitely. Whatever it takes.

And I forgot some other tips, which I'll add here, because I'm too lazy to edit my post:

15. Keep two laundry hampers: one for whites and one for colours. Then you don't have to sort at laundry time. Just huck the whole basket in the washer.

16. All the nagging in the world will not make your partner/roommate/siblings pick up after themselves. Instead, study their ways, figure out where the middens tend to accumulate, then invest in a series of hooks, bins and baskets, which you can place strategically wherever piles occur naturally. No, your messy partner/roommate/etc. will not use them, as a rule. But at least you won't have far to walk to put things away. You'd be surprised at how much this decreases your resentment.

I couldn't help but notice no mention of how polite it is to return emails or phone calls in a timely fashion. You suck Doppelganger and you know you do!

I do! A little bit! What can I say? I'm a work in progress.

Princess Haiku said...

I enjoyed this down to earth wisdom coming from a book blog. Now, the toothpaste thing. -Make sure the toothpaste doesn't have lead in it or industrial solvent. Although, that might work too. :)

Doppelsis said...

Must not forget the empty kleenex box around the house when your kid has a cold to hold all of those disgusting wadded up balls of nose goo.

Heather said...

re: #1-- I suggest investing in a beige camisole to the beige people of this world. Then you can wear it over any coloured bra you want and your whites will still appear their whitest.

Cap'n Ganch said...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19197000/

lumenatrix said...

Amen to #6. At one point I got so fed up with this one woman at work who would say the BITCHIEST things and folllow up with, "Well, I'm just being honest." As if because she said that you weren't allowed to be offended. I finally looked at her one day and said "No, you are just being mean and tactless." The look on her face was priceless. At least she stopped saying things like that to me.

Also, #16 is dead on. I actually use it for myself. I'm horrible about putting things down and forgetting about them, so I have a dozen bowls and baskets and things around the house for me to put my bits and pieces in so they don't take over the house.