Thursday, June 21, 2007

The Legend of the Olmec Head

I'm a couple of days late on this one, but given the tone of my week, where I've been a couple of days late on everything, that puts me right on schedule. (I know. With reasoning skills like that, I should have been a lawyer. Or a Republican. Cue rimshot!)

Karen posted about this Raymond Carver-esque madlib on her site, and I was helpless against its thrall. Not that I tried to resist. And here's the result. (Note: If you want to do this madlib yourself, don't read mine till you're done. Also: Don't forget your Number 2 pencil.)
THE LEGEND OF THE OLMEC HEAD*
Bruce was a sewer worker. But his wife, Lucinda, was a sewer administrator. This made Bruce feel bad. One night, after diving in the Maldives, he decided to change underpants. After putting out his cigar and finishing his Mai-Tai, Bruce felt a crushing ennui. He said to his wife, "What would Jesus do?"

Lucinda said, "Meh."

This made Bruce feel a vague dread. So he left her and went to the basement. While he was there, he saw a woman. She looked like a sleek jaguar. He decided to try to floss with her.

"Hey, how's it hanging?" he said.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she said.

"What do you think?" he said.

"Go to hell," she said.

I'm already there, he thought. But instead he said, "Later, gator."

After that, he left. He walked to the emergency room. On the way, he stopped to buy a pina colada. But instead he saw something he hadn't expected. It was an Olmec head. He surprised himself by stealing the Olmec head. The shop owner didn't notice. He was too busy cleaning the cat box to notice.

He took the Olmec head home and showed it to Lucinda, who was just putting out her hand-rolled cigarette and finishing her Sex on the Beach.

"What the Jiminy Cricket is that?" she said.

"It's my flarbnut," he said.

"What the Christ on a cracker is a flarbnut?" she said.

"This," he said. And with that, he used the Olmec head to do his taxes.
*The madlib gave me the title "The Olmec Head", but I like mine better. Screw you, madlib! You're not the boss of me!

5 comments:

Karen said...

Excellent. It occurred to me that I never even did my own. Yet.

Anonymous said...

James was a Bail Bondsman. But Susan, his wife, was a Tax Attorney. This made James feel heartache. One night, after playing the guitar, he decided to snort a whole mess of coke. After putting out his joint, and finishing his whiskey, James felt depressed. He said to his wife, “How’s the weather?”
Susan said, “Fuck off.”
This made James feel annoyed. So he left her and went to the dark alley. While he was there, he saw a woman. She looked like a bucket. He decided to try to do pushups with her.
“What up?” he said.
“Go fuck yourself,” she said.
“Are you a retard?” he said.
“Go to hell,” she said.
I’m already there, he thought But he said “Ciao.”
After that, he left. He walked to the backroom of a bar.
On the way, he stopped to buy a beer. But instead he saw something he hadn’t expected. It was a rat’s head. He surprised himself by stealing the rat’s head. The shop owner didn’t notice. He was too busy fucking the babysitter to notice.
He took the rat’s head home and showed it to Susan, who was just putting out her clove cigarette and finishing her martini.
“What the fuck is that,” she said.
“It’s my magoo.”
“What the cocksucker is a magoo?” she said.
“This,” he said. And with that, he used the rat’s head to go to sleep.

Anonymous said...

Paul was a pig farmer. But his wife, Leslie, was a preschool teacher. This made Paul feel nauseous. One night, after throwing rocks, he decided to run with scissors. After putting out his ganja and finishing his Bloody Mary, Bruce felt hopelessness. He said to his wife, "Is that a flashlight in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Belinda said, "Hn."

This made Bruce feel fury. So he left her and went to the ER. While he was there, he saw a woman. She looked like a box with wheels. He decided to try to bowl with her.

"What up?" he said.

"What's it to ya, pal?" she said.

"Gee, you think?" he said.

"Go to middle school," she said.

I'm already there, he thought. But instead he said, "Adios."

After that, he left. He walked to the sewer. On the way, he stopped to buy a margarita. But instead he saw something he hadn't expected. It was a Flava Flav clock. He surprised himself by stealing the Flava Flav clock. The shop owner didn't notice. He was too busy throwing a frisbee to notice.

He took the Flava Flav clock home and showed it to Leslie, who was just putting out her cigar and finishing her mint julep.

"What the darn is that?" she said.

"It's my bunknuckle," he said.

"What the shoot is a bunknuckle?" she said.

"This," he said. And with that, he used the Flava Flav clock to dream.

Jane said...

The Legend of the Magic Fluteball

Chris said...

They were all hilarious.
Here's mine:

http://chris-book-a-rama.blogspot.com/2007/06/crazy-fun-with-madlibs.html