I'm a couple of days late on this one, but given the tone of my week, where I've been a couple of days late on everything, that puts me right on schedule. (I know. With reasoning skills like that, I should have been a lawyer. Or a Republican. Cue rimshot!)Karen posted about this Raymond Carver-esque madlib on her site, and I was helpless against its thrall. Not that I tried to resist. And here's the result. (Note: If you want to do this madlib yourself, don't read mine till you're done. Also: Don't forget your Number 2 pencil.)THE LEGEND OF THE OLMEC HEAD*
Bruce was a sewer worker. But his wife, Lucinda, was a sewer administrator. This made Bruce feel bad. One night, after diving in the Maldives, he decided to change underpants. After putting out his cigar and finishing his Mai-Tai, Bruce felt a crushing ennui. He said to his wife, "What would Jesus do?"
Lucinda said, "Meh."
This made Bruce feel a vague dread. So he left her and went to the basement. While he was there, he saw a woman. She looked like a sleek jaguar. He decided to try to floss with her.
"Hey, how's it hanging?" he said.
"What's that supposed to mean?" she said.
"What do you think?" he said.
"Go to hell," she said.
I'm already there, he thought. But instead he said, "Later, gator."
After that, he left. He walked to the emergency room. On the way, he stopped to buy a pina colada. But instead he saw something he hadn't expected. It was an Olmec head. He surprised himself by stealing the Olmec head. The shop owner didn't notice. He was too busy cleaning the cat box to notice.
He took the Olmec head home and showed it to Lucinda, who was just putting out her hand-rolled cigarette and finishing her Sex on the Beach.
"What the Jiminy Cricket is that?" she said.
"It's my flarbnut," he said.
"What the Christ on a cracker is a flarbnut?" she said.
"This," he said. And with that, he used the Olmec head to do his taxes.
*The madlib gave me the title "The Olmec Head", but I like mine better. Screw you, madlib! You're not the boss of me!
